When the World is Out to Get You

We spend a lot of time wishing things were different than they are. I had a bad day on Sunday (I’m thankful that they are few and far between). We had plans to meet a friend for rock climbing. I spent most of the week preparing a list of goals, researching climbs, sorting gear, packing food, watching the weather, and getting excited. We loaded the car the night before. We laid out clothes for the kids. As we were getting in the car at 6:30 on Sunday morning, our friend canceled.

He had a family emergency. Our plans were shot. We need at least one other climber to go with us to be able to climb and watch the kids. Disappointed, but understanding and hoping everything worked out for our friend, we brainstormed new plans – settling on going bouldering instead. Not our favorite style of climbing, but something fun to do when it’s just us and the kids (bouldering is a form of climbing smaller challenges near the ground without a rope but with a safety mat called a “crash pad.”).

Tl;dr: Things Didn’t Go According to Plan

Feel free to skip to the next heading if you don’t need the details of how things went wrong…

We emptied the climbing gear out of the packs, tossed the crash pad in the trunk, and drove the half hour to Red Rock Canyon National Conservation Area determined to make the best of the day. After parking, changing into hiking shoes, unloading the gear and putting on backpacks, we went to get the kids out of the car. That’s when Nicole asked me, “where are Luke’s shoes?”

The answer was “in the garage at home.” Ugh. We loaded everything back up, put the kids back in their seats (they weren’t thrilled about having to leave), and drove back towards town to find a store and get a pair of shoes for our son. We found a Target about 20 minutes away (begging the question of whether buying a new pair was any better than just going back to the house). That’s when the kids decided they had no interest in shopping.

We carried them into the store, found a cart and headed to the shoe section. They had a ton of fun shoes that would work great – Marvel heroes with light up soles! – that Luke decided he hated everything about. Wouldn’t try them on. Freaked out if we tried to force it. Absolutely no interest in any pair of shoes except the ones at home. As he bordered on a tantrum, we decided to just grab a pair and fight the battle of actually wearing them when we got back to Red Rock. And then he saw “Paw Patrol!!!!!”

He spotted a pair of Paw Patrol shoes – bright pink and white. If you know me at all, then you know I’m not a fan of the notion that “pink and dolls are for girls; blue and sports, and tools, and bugs, and science, and soldiers are for boys.” However, I’m not trying to use my kid as a tool for social justice, and we already spent a year correcting people who mistook our son’s shaggy hair for being a “girl haircut.” The day started out with plans for being in the serenity of nature, and now I’m standing in a Target having an internal debate about the role of gender stereotypes in society and the best way to raise our son.

On a different shelf, there was a pair of Paw Patrol shoes that were intended for boys (black and blue). He hated them (to be honest he hated the pink ones too). I could see the wheels turning – he wanted HIS shoes, but with Paw Patrol on them. We finally decided to play the “this is what you’re getting” card and stormed to the checkout counter, fuming that we’d just spent a half hour shopping for shoes that nobody wanted. Somewhere between the shoe aisle and the parking lot back at Red Rock, he decided that the shoes were OK if it meant we got to go “climb mountains.”

By now it was late morning. Our younger son Max had missed his morning nap, though he dozed a few times in the car during our short trips from the house to Red Rock, Red Rock to Target, Target back to Red Rock. We finally made it onto the trail and hiked the short distance to the climbs we wanted to try.

30 feet is a lot taller in person than it is in a photo. There’s a boulder out there that’s called “The Cube” and it is tall. The book made it sound pretty fun and reasonably safe, but when we arrived we both knew there was no way we’d climb on top of it without a rope. Every side of the boulder was sheer – no back way down if we did manage to climb the entire thing. So we settled in to take turns climbing around the base, trying to enjoy the beautiful weather.

The kids weren’t having it. Luke had no interest in taking turns (though it was pretty cute hearing him say “I NEED to climb”). If Nicole or I tried to take a turn, Luke would fuss, throw rocks, kick the fragile plant life, and wander under the climber to play on the crash pad (not safe considering it’s where the climber lands if they fall). Max managed to put a rock in his mouth, gag, and throw up all over the crash pad.

TL;dr: This was not going according to plan

We continued trying to fight with the kids, and teach Luke how to behave in an outdoor climbing environment. Nicole took a turn climbing. She fell (in the same place I did), landed on the crash pad perfectly, but then rolled off the back. As she did, she put her hand down to catch herself and ended up hurting her wrist badly enough that we thought it might be broken. We packed up and hiked back to the car – I had to carry Luke by hand because of course he didn’t want to leave and wouldn’t walk on his own. Not our best day out in the rocks.

It’s what’s on the inside that counts

I spent most of that morning, and the rest of the day, in a pretty foul mood. I was frustrated that our plans fell through. I was frustrated that we forgot Luke’s shoes. I got angry with him for being picky about the new pair in the store. I was mad that there were traffic lights, and that Max threw up, and that Luke kicked a plant, and that Nicole might be hurt badly enough that we wouldn’t get to climb together for a long time (thankfully its not broken, brace for a week or two and back to normal). Notice a trend? My internal dialog was all about me and how the people around me weren’t doing what I wanted. I tried to convince myself to feel empathy for our friend, and for Nicole, but the truth was I just threw a pity party for myself.

“There are 7 billion people on Earth. How many of them have to do what you want for you to be happy?”

– Michael Singer, The Untethered Soul, paraphrased

Arno Illgner calls hoping and wishing “power leaks.” He says,

“Hoping and wishing are passive states. If you hope a situation will turn out the way you want, you’re passively waiting for external influences to determine the outcome… By wishing, you try to decrease your discomfort by escaping into a fantasy.”

– Arno Illgner, The Rock Warrior’s Way

(I know I’ve been quoting this book a lot lately. It’s a good book, and it’s the one I’m currently reading ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

Conclusion

Looking back I spent the entire day wishing it was different than it was. I realize just how fortunate I am that this is what a bad day looks like for me – throwing a hissy fit when I don’t get to go rock climbing quite the way I hoped I would. Clearly I have some adjustments to make, and the truth is there was something a bit deeper going on that I’m still processing.

Have you been there? Do you ever find yourself in a self-centered mental state, where everything that goes different than planned feels like a personal attack? Our Egos are big, and they love to tell us how important we are. When they get threatened they defend themselves by placing the blame for displeasure on everyone around us. I learned that when I get keyed up, I should Observe.

You’re something deeper than your thoughts – that’s why you can “watch” yourself think. Have you ever thought about the fact that you can “listen” to your thoughts? The one who listens – that’s you. If you find yourself hoping and wishing that things were different, rather than getting frustrated try observing your thoughts. Can you see the fallacies in the story you’re telling yourself, about how everything is out to get you? Don’t respond by believing this narrative, or by lashing out. Just watch your Ego chatter away, and then find something new to focus on.

The world isn’t going to arrange itself according to your preferences. Yet you have the power to decide if you’ll be happy or not. I forgot that on Sunday, and I’m glad I did. Now I have the opportunity to reflect on that experience and share it with you. Cheers my friend.