Disclaimer: this may be the most dangerous post I’ve ever written. If you misread it, you may think I am suggesting you should “phone it in” as a student. If my employers misread it, they may think I’m “phoning it in at work.” Both are far from the truth…
“Either my work hours change, or my relationship status will.”
I realized this after an argument with my girlfriend in graduate school.
Graduate school is an incredible time, but it’s also demanding. Research deadlines and class assignments pile up. Lab work drains your energy. The mental load of switching between experiments and coursework keeps your brain permanently tired.
I fell into a rut where I worked from 8am to midnight, every day of the week. And because I expected to be there all night, I worked inefficiently. (“What’s 15 minutes of chit-chat when I’m already here until midnight?”)
The turnaround didn’t come from some clever productivity trick. It came from one simple promise:
I would be home for dinner. No more nights. No more weekends.
To put it bluntly: I would rather fail out of graduate school than lose my relationship.
Once I made that resolution, everything else fell into place. I worked faster, more sharply. My dissertation came together because I was finally rested. And I didn’t lose the relationship either—we’ve now been married almost 15 years, with three kids and a wonderful life together.
Fast Forward: Professorship
Now, I’m in a different imbalance.
When I started as a professor, my workload was light. Success led to more responsibility. Today I teach three demanding math courses plus a seminar, advise two student organizations, sit on committees, supervise undergraduate research, and collaborate on funded pedagogy research.
It’s impactful and meaningful work. I love it.
But lately? I’ve been skipping workouts. I’ve climbed only twice in two months, instead of twice a week. I’m prepping lectures early in the morning, working nights, working weekends. My kids notice: when they ask me to play, they add, “I know you’re busy.”
I’m stressed. Burned out. Punishing myself by working more instead of working better.
And I caught myself thinking:
The whole reason I took this job was because it supported the lifestyle I want.
The False Tradeoff
I’ve been trying to tweak tactics: new schedules, productivity systems, tricks to “fit it all in.” None of it works. Why? Because I care deeply about my work and refuse to give less than my best.
But here’s what I know: this is a false tradeoff. Back in grad school, when I protected what mattered outside of work, my work improved dramatically. I was sharper, faster, and happier.
So here’s my real secret to time management:
My Line in the Sand
I love my job and the chance to make a difference. But…
- … I would rather lose my job than sacrifice my health.
- … I would rather lose my job than miss my kids’ childhood.
- … I would rather lose my job than skip an evening with my family, or work weekends.
- … I would rather lose my job than stop climbing twice a week.
But let me be clear: I’m not actually willing to lose my job. My work is as much a part of my identity as all these other commitments. These guardrails don’t mean I have a foot out the door—they motivate me to give my absolute best, but also to be selective with my energy and effort, focusing it only on the things that matter most.
My lifestyle supports my ability to do the work. My work supports my ability to live the lifestyle. When both are in balance, that’s when I can make the impact I dream of making.
Your Turn
My line in the sand is clear. What’s yours?
